Angst Fest!

[lonetread]

Firstly, I promise I'm not particularly depressed at the moment. I just had to get some of this out. Sorry if it's a little repetitive or rambly.

So, the angst-party. Otherwise known as:

The Two-Dozen Things I Hate About Being Genderqueer

 (in no particular order, just numbered for ease of commenting)

 

1. I hate that it makes me doubt myself, even though I know who I am. (Or I’m getting close to knowing, anyway.)

 

2. I hate that I don’t feel trans enough (and to those TSs who say “I don’t get the ‘trans enough’ debate – it’s like saying ‘oh, I want to have cancer’”, I say STFU, kplzthx.)

 

3. I hate that being genderfluid means I sometimes feel comfortable in this body, like I could live as a girl. I feel on those days like that means I’m not being true to myself, even though I am, the other 98% of the time.

 

4. And I hate that it means I sometimes feel comfortable in this body because I forget I wasn’t born male. (Well, I don’t hate that part, but it sucks to remember I wasn’t.)

 

5. I hate that all the guys I identify with in movies and such – the non-macho, educated nerd-boys – get called names by their friends and my friends. (“Pansy-ass David” from the Newsies, etc.) I feel personally offended and can’t even say anything.

 

6. I hate that it seems like transfolk get held to a different standard than bio-guys. Even “pansy-ass David” was still seen as male, while we apparently have to be macho to get taken seriously.

 

7. I hate having to wonder whether I couldn’t just stay a “genderqueer girl” rather than spend all that money to become the “genderqueer guy” I think I am, and what the difference really is anyway.

 

8. I hate that I knew a long time ago and didn’t have the words to describe it because I thought a person had to be completely obsessed with sports and cars to be a guy.

 

9. And I hate that I still wonder if that’s true and whether I shouldn’t stick to my androgyne identity because I’m not manly enough to be a guy.

 

10. I hate that I tend to go through phases a lot, and can’t help but be worried this is one, too, since I’m not all “omg, I’ve known I was a boy since I was two”. I can point to some things in my past that seem to reflect a knowledge of who I was/am that I couldn’t put into words, and that helps, but not enough sometimes.

 

11. And I hate that my parents are worried about the same thing, and I can’t reassure them.

 

12. I hate that I want to do something about this, but I’m worried I’ll regret it, and I’m scared for the most wussy reasons like “I’m going to pass for 10 for the rest of my life because I’m 5’ tall” and the fact that I hate needles.

 

13. I hate worrying that I won’t be enough of a “guy” to fit in if I transition and my romantic attraction changes (I become a straight guy). I’m worried it would be just like now, only backwards.

 

14. And I hate worrying that if I transition and nothing changes with respect to my sexuality and romantic attraction, that I would be the only gay asexual on Earth and would be alone forever.

 

15. I hate that there are butch lesbians who are far more masculine/macho than I am, and they’re comfortable with being women, so why am I not?

 

16. I hate that when I’m around girls I don’t fit in (“you spent how much on that makeup??”), and when I’m around guys I don’t fit in (“oh, your team won? …cool.”), and so I don’t know where I fit.

 

17. I hate that no one understands genderqueer/androgyne identities and the idea of the gender spectrum.

 

18. And I hate that there isn’t a null hormone.

 

19. And I hate that my gender won’t sit still even long enough for me to explain it to someone. Or to myself.

 

20. I hate how scared I am to come out to my friends here, and my friends back home.

 

21. And I hate that I can’t get a haircut until I do.

 

22. And I hate being so afraid that I might be wrong, or choose not to transition and thus seem like I was wrong.

 

23. I hate that being genderqueer seems to turn transition into a choice (as in, if I’m not really either one, then it’s more “choosing what I’d rather be seen as”). And I don’t want to have to explain that no, being who I am isn’t a choice, even though there are choices involved… because I don’t understand it myself.

 

24. And I hate not understanding and being so confused and not sure…and yet sure sometimes.

 
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(One thing I don't hate: That LJ will fix Word's wonky punctuation formatting themselves. How thoughtful of them.)

If you made it through all that, thank you for reading, and feel free to comment if you'd like. No one's been commenting on my entries lately, and it's kind of sad.

Maybe there's been too many entries. I promise I'll do my best to make this the last one for a while. (Unless I order a binder in the near future, in which case you're going to be hearing about that the moment I click the button, you can be sure of that.)

Until next time, then.