*snaps fingers* Well, that didn't work.
Sep. 26th, 2007 11:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lonetread(Re: a phone conversation I had with my parents, and my subsequent thoughts. Because I can never actually have useful thoughts while the conversation is going on.)
Why does this have to hurt everybody?
I mean, my parents read my last journal entry (I gave them the address myself a while back, no worries) and are kind of freaking out that I'm "rushing into this" just because I want a binder. (Really, people, it's not top surgery!) And I "want to change [my] name"? Well, yes, always have, but frankly I'm just looking for one for LJ at the moment, no need to have a panic attack about all the thought I'm supposedly not putting into this.
I get that they only found out a comparatively short while ago. Really I do, and I'm sorry I'm worrying you, Mom and Dad. But I've had a good deal longer, and I'm not really trying to rush into anything. I'm just trying to make myself happy, like you say you want for me (and I believe you). So I'm trying things, and if they make me happy, then they stay. That's all.
Because really. I've had nineteen years to figure out that this isn't working, and you seem to want me to spend even more time making even more sure. I get that, and I see where you're coming from, really I do. But it's not like I'm doing this just because of the folks I hang around with online, now, like you seem to think.
Case in point: the other day. I'd put off doing laundry, and my only remaining clothes were a shirt I can no longer delude myself into calling "burgundy" (the thing is pink, I admit it) and girl-jeans. I got through the day by remembering that I'm the only one that thinks I look like a dude in drag in those clothes. And I think that because that's what I feel.
So, no, it's not a frakkin cakewalk. And yes, I will do my best to get some therapy, but I think the "therapy before binder" mandate is a little excessive. (It IS my money, after all.)
But to try and shove all this under the rug because you think I'm not enough of a guy? Not freaking happening, I'm sorry to say. There are a lot of ways to be a guy. Macho is one.
And my roomie's hilariously-arachnophobic, flaming-gay friend is another.
I don't know where I fit yet, but I'm not trying to hurt you, and I'm not trying to ruin the lives of everyone who knows me, I'm just trying to find out.
Why does this have to hurt everybody?
I mean, my parents read my last journal entry (I gave them the address myself a while back, no worries) and are kind of freaking out that I'm "rushing into this" just because I want a binder. (Really, people, it's not top surgery!) And I "want to change [my] name"? Well, yes, always have, but frankly I'm just looking for one for LJ at the moment, no need to have a panic attack about all the thought I'm supposedly not putting into this.
I get that they only found out a comparatively short while ago. Really I do, and I'm sorry I'm worrying you, Mom and Dad. But I've had a good deal longer, and I'm not really trying to rush into anything. I'm just trying to make myself happy, like you say you want for me (and I believe you). So I'm trying things, and if they make me happy, then they stay. That's all.
Because really. I've had nineteen years to figure out that this isn't working, and you seem to want me to spend even more time making even more sure. I get that, and I see where you're coming from, really I do. But it's not like I'm doing this just because of the folks I hang around with online, now, like you seem to think.
Case in point: the other day. I'd put off doing laundry, and my only remaining clothes were a shirt I can no longer delude myself into calling "burgundy" (the thing is pink, I admit it) and girl-jeans. I got through the day by remembering that I'm the only one that thinks I look like a dude in drag in those clothes. And I think that because that's what I feel.
So, no, it's not a frakkin cakewalk. And yes, I will do my best to get some therapy, but I think the "therapy before binder" mandate is a little excessive. (It IS my money, after all.)
But to try and shove all this under the rug because you think I'm not enough of a guy? Not freaking happening, I'm sorry to say. There are a lot of ways to be a guy. Macho is one.
And my roomie's hilariously-arachnophobic, flaming-gay friend is another.
I don't know where I fit yet, but I'm not trying to hurt you, and I'm not trying to ruin the lives of everyone who knows me, I'm just trying to find out.
And in other news... Shawn, if you happen to be reading this: congrats on the T, man! :)
